Zyg, this was a very ambitious take but connected with the source material perfectly. Kudos on that. I'm not going to go fact-checking and shit, but I feel like your application of the political ideas is maybe a bit sketchy.. and I don't agree with the extrapolation to graffiti because that gives graffiti way more credit than it deserves... nevertheless, I give you points for ambitiousness and technical execution.
Timeless, as a writer I prioritize the natural, free-flowing sue of dialogue - it needs to be realistic otherwise your verse loses all credibility to stand up as anything more than just rhyming words. That's why it was very irksome to read I should drown you in the abyss of the roughest waters.” aaaaaaand it's time for you to be bleeding now... that just sounds awful and really detracted from any storytelling you were trying to do. It was a really sharp turn for me too to see the verse go from a fiery relationship to a dad asking his son to stop doing graffiti. At first I thought I was going to really going to dig the direction of the verse, but it went somewhere that I couldn't relate to.
Vote -- zygote
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