Mr. J,
Quote:
“no direction...the cost of it all is like the use of any known prosthetic
there isn't much help when your the one helpin' them...
another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'...
what I take from the government I'm immediately giving back...”
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These lines were my favorite here. I wish you would’ve gave this some thought to make it a complete read, it looked to be on the right tracks. Love the aggressiveness shown within some of the lines, reminds me of myself sometimes. Your approach was ok at best, read/heard many pieces of work that have to do with the 9 to 5 type of struggles. Not bad though how you presented it with the flashes of dark comedy. Hope to see you come complete next week though.
King Ra,
Quote:
You all bleed from this syndrome,
with your consumerist habits.
You all feeding the symptoms,
you consumerist faggots."
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^lol im undecided if this is good or bad writing, but it made me laugh at least. I feel as though writing really short bar pieces like this, you need to have the flow on point at all times. Your first part was awkward for the most part imo, even after a couple reads I couldn’t digest it. Overall your whole take on the concept was decent, some of the wording and attempts at comedy just seemed premature imo, mostly saying faggot every other line it seemed lol.
Man I would’ve probably given this to Mr. J if those last two lines he had were ANYTHING else. Just couldn’t get into Ra’s verse this week but I have to give my vote to him for having a complete verse.
V.
King Ra