vag:
His emotes then molted to a molten moat surrounding his unfolding mold.
^ loved this
"I want my wife back!! My life's sapped! Our house isn't a home!
And that thing in you isn't mine!
It has Down's Syndrome in its bones!"
3rd line was forced after fantastic flow up to this point. I know it was important to show just how horrible Miguel is, but it messed with me for a bit since your mechanics were god tier until that point.
.. and then the closer. Vag, I have asked this before, and I'll ask again: "why u do dis?
these shock and awe swerves you drop in from time to time usually ruin your captivating story telling more than anything. it's like watching a shitty comedian perform the role of his life as an actor and then at the very end of the movie, he does prop comedy because lol fooled you!
i hated that closer. if you had stayed the course on the domestic abuse angle, especially from the female perspective, this would have been up there for me in all time pieces. it needed a little more meat before the end, but it would have been a contender.
instead you shit on the coats.
why must you shit on the coats?!?!
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michael:
flow was smooth, but not very challenging either since you kept a single rhyme scheme for so long multiple times throughout. not used to seeing you this basic with it. i felt like you could've done more from a technical standpoint.
the story was alright, if a bit generic. the surprise at the end was meh since all we got was a single couplet explaining how our protagonist ended up in this state.. and then it was over. i wish you'd expanded on that more. tying the topic to the drunk driving victim bit was interesting.
--
this is hard. i felt vag was far superior in technique and story telling. mike had a smoother read, but that was due to simplicity more than anything. i really cannot state enough how much i hated vag's ending.. but it must be noted that he is becoming much better with dialog and character building.
v/ vag.
his ending may have been a poor choice, but i enjoyed reading everything up to it much more than mike's piece. there just wasn't enough story for me to give it to mike.
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