timeless
opening couplet ended with an odd wording. i don't know why "denied to mourn" didn't work for me, but it just seemed off.
"Left us blind and spineless, standing in the rain
that only pours silence, disbanding, stranded in vein."
liked that. it's similar to a rhyme scheme i commonly used, so might be biased.
the rest of this seems like there's some etheral subject that you can't grasp so you're just saying stuff that sounds cool and topical-like. you also didn't really do anything with the topic at hand.
examples:
"Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx"
this made no sense. rhyming for rhyming's sake. i saw just write call this crucial.. how is an ancient military formation taught by tragedy, and further how does that relate to sanity's lost talent? and what is the lost talent? the fact that every step we take throws grabity off balance? what?
"All’s I ask for…is some fucking peace and quiet.
Calories weighed in silence is how I breached my diet."
you were trying to come up with a clever metaphor here and almost did, except breached makes no sense in this context.
i'd like to see something less generic from you in the future. you obviously have the rhyming ability (and this piece makes me think you reference a rhyming dictionary).. do more with the subject in the future, please. pontificating is nice but also looks like an ego stroke sometimes, especially when it doesn't realte to the topic.
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TYSON
Shower Falls should have been captialized. Pet peeve. Actually, there are a lot of grammatical/spelling/word choice errors here. Try to work on those in the future as they can be very distracting from the story you're telling.
As for the story you told.. it was okay. The swerve was an unnecessary choice, in my opinion. Depicting rape/violence/etc has become a bit of a safety net for a lot of writers in the AOWL so I'd like to see you expand beyond that next week. You connected more with the topic than your opponent, but the structural problems and convoluted story hurt you here.
v/ timeless on the grounds of mechanics
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