/v timeless - first i've read of you. clean piece. you're pretty good... looking forward to a story. strong writing. especially enjoyed these lines..
In line with a few souls who stay stuck delighted by news
of the fallen struggle, we soon invited the truth.
Every step we take throws gravity off balance.
Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx.
i like multiples in groups like this. especially when it makes perfect sense. overall i'm not sure i was compleetely satisfied with your ending. probably because you rhymed so strong throughout, i expected a little more out of your last four. but this was a solid piece that would be hard to beat.
tyson- i was enjoying the piece until the fourth line of the second stanza. anyway, i'm going to assume you may take my advice into consideration and give you a bunch of it.
The cheerful ambience feels ominous in the town of shower falls
The oddity of death giving joy as blood leaks thru the gauze
(the introduction of blood so early without telling us what happened really takes away from any impact the situation may have had. now we're waiting to see what happened, and even though sometimes that is an effective strategy.. you used a lot of unnecessary words. bolded a couple.)
THE MONSTER OF SHOWER FALLS
The cheerful ambience feels ominous in the town of shower falls
(too many modifiers that do not rhyme)
The oddity of death giving joy as blood leaks thru the gauze
A women races thru the applauds and fell straight to her knees
(who is applauding? why?)
Cause what she sees diminishes the excitement clause for her son to never breath
(excitement clause definitely needed to be reworded or i do not get it.)
As she grieves, moments of flashbacks makes the children quake
Random hash tags flood the network to depict the demons face
(quake and face don't rhyme, if children would have matched demons with its vowels or perhaps a very strong consonant .. it may have worked)
Her baby gone, with no tears to join her time of grievance
As we take a moment to reenact the crime that dawned this bereavement
(reenact felt off. rest was sound)
Timmy loved middle school especially his homeroom class
Mrs. Jordan was his teacher who he helped without her having to ask
If he had a choice to pass or flunk out, there would be no graduation
Frequent visits of male companions to mothers gave him a whiff of infatuation
(^ sounding muuuch better mechanically. frequent was a little rough to not rhyme and could have been left out completely)
It was attraction waiting ...with a due date attached
Her scent of lavender was enough to ravish her and he had experience to match
(mechanics are doing much better here. but that's nasty.)
The witness of rape as his mother laid screaming, he watched
His mother eyes locked to his, tearful but afraid of the repercussions if she made him stop
That act of mercy however heartfelt, cropped a invasive weed
Sun to a latent seed, that would set a blaze to shower fall middle's, April peace
(you're starting to do really good here mechanic wise at a disturbing place.....no comment)
dreading his last week of happiness his moves where to be precise
Display his affection to his Mrs. and show that his love would suffice
As quick as he released emotions is as quickly it was shoot down
Luckily he came prepared, hands clinched to a .22 he found
Struggling for dominance they fumble with the gun to catch a grip
Surprisingly strong, a stray caught the hip of a fellow student on a exit trip
No guilt overwhelmed him just madness, lustful sadness
The teacher crying in a corner, eyes touched with panic
(touched felt a little bland. frozen would have been more effective.)
He ended her life, to free her from torture, the feeling was mutual
A young mind distorted, bleak of a future forming, tired of the usual
(torture and forming shared a similar O sound which really helped those lines rhyme)
He emptied the clip on bystanders and then took his own
A child lost in puberty seeing himself, a monster before he was even grown
This is that sigh of relief that filled the city streets of onlookers
future pedo. gone and others holding sons and daughters with hate of the one who took her
Till that tear driven women came screaming, begging for comfort
Then reality hit shower falls for an adolescent who was seen as monster
(i'm not sure how i feel about the end, but.. you flipped the tone, and i felt that needed to be pointed out.)
|