Timeless, you went straight topical style with your verse which can be tricky... for me, each couplet really needs to have an impact line or really stellar rhyming mechanics to stand out... otherwise, it can sort of seem like meandering thoughts patched together. I think your verse suffered from this a bit, but there were still several lines that had a decent impact for me...
Quote:
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to enlighten moods when our strength’s divided by two.
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Quote:
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our day’s directions are limited similar to a pawn’s move.
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These lines are simply put, and give the reader something to connect to... with topicals, there's so much emphasis put on atmosphere and conceptual diction that sometimes the simplest of expressions stand out because they pack meaning.
Tyson, I felt where you were going storywise, and it actually was a decent take on the topic... but my issue would be that the verse just needed more polish. There were a lot of run-on lines, so-so diction choices.. the mechanics stood in the way for me of really telling the story. It's a shame, because I think if there was some editing or proofreading, this could have been a nice verse... but it just felt a little rushed and thrown together for me.
Vote goes to Timeless