Netcees - View Single Post - Week 2: Just Write (1-0) vs. El Pancake (1-0) \\ Just Write wins 9-1

Pinot Grij · 03-09-2014, 02:35 PM

Just Write, this verse blew me away. Heartfelt, emotional and relatable. Rhymed well, couplet format and more simplistic scheme kept the pace moving... I was enveloped by the story and the finale was outstanding... this verse showed a lot of maturity as a writer. If I can critique something, I would say that some of the word choice was a little lofty for a story about a 10 year old... maybe having the diction meet the subject matter a little better in places would've made more of an impact.. but that's just minor stuff, and the fact that it was an imaginary friend kind of negates that criticism anyways since it wasn't a child narrating as I felt it was throughout the verse.

Pancake.. this was a really cool piece.. I had to read a second time to really let it soak in.. but it was a mix of Total Recall and Clockwork Orange for me... the concept is really sophisticated, watching out the rest of your life on screen and the turn at the end is the big kicker... the suggestion of the corporation having some kind of nefarious responsibility in his death. The piece leaves you with the threat, as with most dystopian storytelling, that there is always a sinister side to allowing technology to take over our lives.

I really like the sophistication of Pancake's verse, and I think any other week its a surefire winning verse but Just Write really killed it with the emotion in his verse. It hit home a lot harder. Great battle.

Vote - Just Write

03-09-2014, 02:35 PM	#7
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Just Write, this verse blew me away. Heartfelt, emotional and relatable. Rhymed well, couplet format and more simplistic scheme kept the pace moving... I was enveloped by the story and the finale was outstanding... this verse showed a lot of maturity as a writer. If I can critique something, I would say that some of the word choice was a little lofty for a story about a 10 year old... maybe having the diction meet the subject matter a little better in places would've made more of an impact.. but that's just minor stuff, and the fact that it was an imaginary friend kind of negates that criticism anyways since it wasn't a child narrating as I felt it was throughout the verse. Pancake.. this was a really cool piece.. I had to read a second time to really let it soak in.. but it was a mix of Total Recall and Clockwork Orange for me... the concept is really sophisticated, watching out the rest of your life on screen and the turn at the end is the big kicker... the suggestion of the corporation having some kind of nefarious responsibility in his death. The piece leaves you with the threat, as with most dystopian storytelling, that there is always a sinister side to allowing technology to take over our lives. I really like the sophistication of Pancake's verse, and I think any other week its a surefire winning verse but Just Write really killed it with the emotion in his verse. It hit home a lot harder. Great battle. Vote - Just Write __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.