Netcees - View Single Post - Week 2: Just Write (1-0) vs. El Pancake (1-0) \\ Just Write wins 9-1

patrown · 03-09-2014, 02:13 PM

just write - you could have reworded "I had faith & knew he could handle it." and "I have no beginning or end," was an obvious tone setter that I was comfortable with. but it stuck out to me a little. that's all i can criticize. i was happy for Tommy though. freal. good for him. especially liked this passage.

He pointed to some G.I. Joe's that were laying off to the side
He said that was the graveyard for the Cobra Commander's who already died.

i used to do that when i was a kid. dead bad guy piles. cobra commander* ones. I ran for class
president too. i won, but i still related. and it had a similar effect on my self confidence. this is a little wierd. anyway, you killed the topic. great fucking piece.

el pancake - liked the offbeat flow/subject matter of this piece. very original. cool ending, was satisfied with that. especially enjoyed this

It was a troubling coin to flip, knowing the future’s path,
but curiosity kills the cat, or rather tells it how it’ll die, using math.

clever way to introduce your twist concept. although it's rather simple, it was effective. i'm left feeling a little empty handed in the end, and i'm pretty sure it's your layout. i felt a little rushed in the beginning, got used to it, and as a result.. felt empty handed in the end.

/v just write - his story's twist was more of a surprise when it hit. didn't see it coming.. also enjoyed the meat of his piece a little more. .

03-09-2014, 02:13 PM	#6
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	just write - you could have reworded "I had faith & knew he could handle it." and "I have no beginning or end," was an obvious tone setter that I was comfortable with. but it stuck out to me a little. that's all i can criticize. i was happy for Tommy though. freal. good for him. especially liked this passage. He pointed to some G.I. Joe's that were laying off to the side He said that was the graveyard for the Cobra Commander's who already died. i used to do that when i was a kid. dead bad guy piles. cobra commander* ones. I ran for class president too. i won, but i still related. and it had a similar effect on my self confidence. this is a little wierd. anyway, you killed the topic. great fucking piece. el pancake - liked the offbeat flow/subject matter of this piece. very original. cool ending, was satisfied with that. especially enjoyed this It was a troubling coin to flip, knowing the future’s path, but curiosity kills the cat, or rather tells it how it’ll die, using math. clever way to introduce your twist concept. although it's rather simple, it was effective. i'm left feeling a little empty handed in the end, and i'm pretty sure it's your layout. i felt a little rushed in the beginning, got used to it, and as a result.. felt empty handed in the end. /v just write - his story's twist was more of a surprise when it hit. didn't see it coming.. also enjoyed the meat of his piece a little more. . Last edited by patrown; 03-09-2014 at 05:58 PM.