1) This was not a very good verse. Use a side dish of dictionary with that main course of thesaurus, although maybe avoid either until you're more comfortable with your writing, and language generally. It did get better in the second part; focusing less on unnatural words and forced rhymes. The similes were not clever. The metaphoric language was about the same. Focus more on expressing yourself instead of trying to affect a greater importance with language you cannot use yet. Sorry.
2) This was an impressive verse. I wasn't exactly pulled into or enthralled by it, but the narrative was concise, and the rhyming was very good, even stellar in places. You did that without forcing very much, if at all, and that might be the most impressive aspect. You communicated the emotion of your character with solid nuance. I liked this verse. It would have taken some effort to topple. Very good writer.
Pinot Grij
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