[Adonis]

Exo - You have talent brother, I think you might best be suited for audio over topical in all honesty, but I'm going to point out a few things I wasn't too fond of in hopes you elivate, take all in stride my friend. I see the talent, now rise....

money is why my daughter will die the problems raising

Simple errors as such hinder the reader. having to stop reading, going back and re-reading for correction sake is precisely what separates elite from above average.

Progession is key, especially while writing a true story, which is how this began. Now as a reader, seeing Ambulance and EMT's at a little girls soccer match throws me off a bit. This verse really needed to be emotionally driven, I feel you did decent regarding it, but felt there is room for improvement.

I hopped out the stands so fast like I was running from death...
She was unconscience not responding as I went and dropped to my knees...
This is nonsense what the fucks the problem what could it possibly be...
My tears drop on her cheeks then I spot the police...

This is an example of solid emotion, but I honestly feel like one additional bar explaining the emotion running through this fathers veins would have helped, none the less, solid writing...

it seems like the nights are endless for being a single dad this isnt the nicest lesson...

You missed a few comas in the verse such as this, not a big issue, but again not stopping the reader is the ultimate goal. This is also why I feel you're best suited for Audio, but that is another story.

Overall, you had a decent enough verse to beat multiple people. These are all simple errors in my own opinion, as I have no clue who you are and I suffer from the same shit, but if improvement is the game then constructive critique I shall provide.


Ziggie - Like the publicity stunt when we elected the first black midget gay pope.

For really LOLD here broseph.

The wine? Substituted with all-natural Guava and zesty mineral water,

sounds effin bomb...


You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions.
You didn’t sufficiently take advantage of potential revenue streams,
You could have hidden life’s suffering with viral marketing development teams.

Well done sir.

Solid verse if I've ever read. I haven't read anything from you in a while, and I feel like I underestimated you already. You have flow, and when its not perfect, the meaning (s)
in the lines were just to nice to pass up, so in essence, you get a pass IMO. Forever outside the box, forever the paperclip warrior

V/Ziggie having the style to fire god and make it seem like the smart thing to do financially. I don't think you met the topic exactly, it would be fine if the stranger was the one doing the firing, but you added god is a stranger and through that out the window. Either way, superb verse brethren.