[oats]

Lars: the ease of your rhythm was immediately discernible, props on that. The pace and word choice drove me through the verse without making me have to re-read anything - I got it all on first read, and readily understood everything.

There are pros and cons of that, to me. It’s appealing to read and easy to digest, and nothing sticks out negatively about it at all - I’ve said it before, but one of the most impressive aspects of your writing from my point is that there’s hardly ever a misstep of any sort, which makes you a tough opponent for anyone because they know they can’t flinch without it giving you an edge.

But the other side of that is I don’t feel particularly compelled to re-read it. There’s no lingering ripples of ideas or images that stuck with me and made me want to go through it again. I can’t think of a better word to use, so apologies if this sounds mean, but there was something dry about this to me. Perhaps because the bulk of it was about material that I’m pretty interested in, so it didn’t stick out to me as anything new, and it wasn’t presented in a particularly novel way either.

That being said, the final turn of phrase was a perfect angle for this, and executed flawlessly. If anything, I would have liked to see a longer segment spent on how our development as a species led into the naturalist idea of paradise that seems to be drifting farther out by the day, one landing spot that was prob a little too short. But again, it’s difficult to criticize your work because it is so tidy and effective. This is the level of quality I’ve come to expect from you.

Black: I enjoyed the angle a lot, it read like a vernacular retelling of a creation myth, which was cool. There were parts that felt a little too “Under the Sea” for me, but nothing jarring, just an awkward step in tone here and there.

It’s obvious you had a greater aim for this piece conceptually than did Lars. For the most part you succeeded, though the glaring omission from my end is I didn’t get exactly why Triton had to sacrifice himself. Like, the kingdom was collapsing, but why/how? I took it as a pre-emptive escape launch for the father’s people, who eventually turned out to be us humans who now rarely revere these kinds of myths as legitimate doctrine or religion. The final line was a zinger in that regard, almost an indictment on humanity for willfully ignoring our real creation; we just want it to wash away.

This wasn’t your typical barrage of metaphorical imagery, though it was certainly along the same vein. There were potholes to me, like what I mentioned above, the prophecy being fulfilled, and a couple other places where I just had issues with the clarity, which I usually don’t have with your work. I think you did enough to guide me to my own conclusions, but I still feel a little shaky on everything, despite multiple re-reads.

Vote: Well, Lars had a succinct, well-constructed topical that, while succeeding from a storytelling standpoint, left me without much feeling or thought after, almost too simplistic for my likings (which may be unfair, since like I said, you covered well-tread ground for me personally, so maybe I’m just being too critical). Black on the other hand had more complexity, but also more spots that didn’t work for me/too unexplained for me to get into. On the first read through of both verses, I was leaning towards Lars, but after multiple reads of both, I think the superior angle and imagination of Black’s verse secured it for me - I discovered new things about it each time. Two of my favorite writers duking it out, and I thoroughly enjoyed the matchup. In a painfully close decision, I gotta give it to Black. Good shit, win for the M either way.