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Old 03-02-2014, 07:35 AM   #9
zygote
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PancakeBrah, just read the other one in the OM, beforehand and that one was a lot better, it's hard not to let that bias this. The writing is very refined, using a delicate language, words like 'elan' and phrases like 'laid in mirth' either this is some trend or a deliberate writing choice here. The whole thing was a great display of cohesion with language and content working together, the only part that perhaps didn't mesh fully was the 'idle minds' part.

Maths debate, good discussion of teenage angst, more of a character study about an unpopular, or largely ignored school child. Perhaps you missed a few tricks here and there to add some more subtle stuff, some depth to the character. There was a sense of this character being naive (e.g., the see 'NYC, Rome, Tokoyo') and the part about the Dad's gun was good, but there was a missed potential to build on things like that. Voting for PB.
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