[PancakeBrah]

Just Write -

The first section was awesome aside from a couple of nitpicky things. Not capitalizing Franky's name, misplacing the quotation marks in Franky's line, and the last line being a little weak rhyme wise were the quibbles I had. Aside from that this was expert work. It set the scene, established a bond, and had some clever little tricks (committing the crime is you/taking silver spoons being the highlights).

The second section was just as good. Had less miscues but maybe not as many highlights (although the filet mignon line was nice and saved the line before it which I thought might have been weak if not for the connecting thought). What I'm noticing in this piece is nothing's forced; even if a rhyme is stale or cliche you have this writer's voice going in the first person that just begs interest. It goes a long way.

Third section the same although I'm not a huge fan of where this piece may be going with the religious cliffhanger. You've done a great job of developing two characters without going overboard. With just a few well placed lines here and there you've crafted some nuance to both characters. Although the dichotomy of the reticent outlaw and the gung-ho outlaw isn't groundbreaking, what is? The devil's in the details and you're executing on them.

Last section tied everything up nicely. From the plot to the theme to the personal journey of the character.

This is the type of verse I'd love to break down line by line if I wasn't feeling lazy. The strength, far and away, was your voice in this. You went first person which can be very difficult but I honestly felt you channeled a different person and wrote from his perspective here. This wasn't Just Write in a different shade telling a fairy tale. It was the narrator, you just wrote it. Probably the best verse of the five I've read so far this week (the other two matches I've voted on with Obj's up next) and the best verse I've read from you, although I'm not as familiar with your work as this pieces tells me I should be. Well done, thanks for the read, sincerely.

Objective -

I really liked the last line and the opening technicolor dream coat. The middle section had some highlights but the foreign language shtick, while original, seemed a bit overwrought for me. The idea of writing about writer's block (or something close to it) is a bit tired. This piece did have some real personality and zeal to it, though. It just seemed a bit...lackadaisical and spur of the moment, adorned with fancy little tricks to distract. You're a skilled writer but I think you missed the mark this week.

Thanks for the read, fellas.

v/ Just Write