[PancakeBrah]

YDK -

Overall this approach was rather straightforward. Took on the topic very directly and went with the opining and meditative route. Which is fine. As for the actual verse there were a lot of "standard-issue deep" words like 'destiny', 'essence', 'confession of depression', 'repentance', etc. I liked this bar

"Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave."

the most. Also, the 'somber; bereft' wording was a nice little touch. But I can't help but feel this felt a bit generic. Nothing really wowed me or felt innovative to me. This type of verse has been done a lot and nothing separated this from the rest in my mind. Not to say I didn't like it; your mechanics were there and everything was written airtight. It just lacked that extra oomph.

Ink -

I'm impressed. I think the 'Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour' was the only glaring mistake in this verse. It felt too on the nose and also unrealistic. Conceptually I was a bit confused with your direction when you shifted from the expected route of menial work for low pay to an overload of success but I got there and in the end you showed it's the same result. I think this piece had some nuance both in its story and and its wording. Having never read anything from you before I came away surprised by the quality of this.

Good battle.

v/ Ink