Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence
Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present.
Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens.
I'm liking this. decent rhyme pattern, imagery is on point, nice flow.
Lesson learned; now let the pressing questions adjourn,
a confession of depression isn't easily earned.
Frequently turned against you in the form of a heart,
It's torn apart and restored; now that's sort of an art.
Nice transition, decent internals, not bad technicals, looking good so far brother
More importantly it brings you back to the start,
Where life and death burn using hope as a spark.
Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave.
The last line not working for me, as saove is pronounced "swava".
Expecting to implode when you think you're alone,
Leaving a chink in the armor that you can never atone for.
Unforgiving hopelessness, nobody can cope with this sober,
So a crushed up pill and a dollar bill helps to handle the closure.
Things are getting dark. I like the armor imagery/metaphor
Acceptance means little when your asking repentance
and every breath is evidence that you cant finish the sentence.
Lives full of lies without the need for disguise,
because everybody's eyes deny their demise.
nice
Soulless body's wander growing fonder of death,
Refusing their fate, until they're somber; bereft.
Hell seems to have an odd calming effect,
Destroying our souls while embalming the rest
Nicely executed dude.
Yet we believe we'll never die...
we're just stalling at best.
Overall decent read, I think you could have spiced it up with some more technicals and internal rhymes, but the imagery and vocabulary you used is pretty decent. Good shit man.
vs.
Cheap metal rattles the saddles of this mechanic beast
The wind unleashed
Crashed down on immigrants like they're a bathtub fleet
Unsettled speech, intertwines with seatbelt warnings
"Can I please have your attention, it's your Captain speaking
We will be landing shortly, though the weathers turned sour
Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour"
I like the way you describe the plane as having a saddle, spices up the imagery
The runway and tires fought like an old married couple
Jostling the cargo of aliens like ET bobbles
The screaming, the pushing, and the hiss of hot tears
The domestic violence was comforting to the pioneers
They had arrived
US Soil, where blood and toil
Will be met with, once curtailed, dreams uncoiled
He stepped out, prepared for many nights with midnight oils
With a fair wife, in any light, she'd make passions boil
Tugging their luggage, one suitcase and a carry-on dream
Showing the wear of forefathers that provided his seed
I like how you describe the minute details, like the tires and pavement fighting like an old married couple, really good metaphor use.
It didn't take long to get settled, a loan and shoe shop
Craftsmanship tip top, he had that stitch game on lock
The calligraphy of threaded needle, dance by firelight
Dreams require fight or flight, he channeled a fighters might
"The finest soles in LA, with impeccable leatherworking"
Word of mouth brought about a demand he couldn't meet
I like the direction you took for this topic
Backlogged, he slaved away, his wife entered the fray
Her pretty hands now calloused, as talks of children fade
Day by day, the orders came, he didn't turn any back
When he was young, business was tough, so he chased after the cash
Without a free moment to enjoy, they paid for it with time
One year, then decades, their chosen currency flew by
Every day, went through the motions, reading the same script
Living vs. surviving, thin line in a room dimly lit
Wrinkled skin stretched over iron, rusted feet in fresh shoes
Hear the gears creak, two machines with much to do
I like your story telling abilities, and your use of literary devices. However, the rhyme structure is very basic. I think if you had some multi syllabic rhyme schemes with internals or even dual multi rhyme schemes going (much harder to pull off but cool when you do) it would make for a much better read. You're killing it in the other aspects of writing, so keep at it bro good job.
Conclusion
Ok so you have @YDK who has more of an elusive way of writing, makes you reach deeper into the old brain to be able to pick up what hes saying. I do like that style of writing as it lets you use your imagination more. You also have complex rhyme schemes which is harder to pull off, but when done nicely can make the piece overall more effective.
On the other hand you have @Ink who uses literary devices like a champ. The way you correlate inanimate objects with real life occurrences was really well done, bravo sir. You lack on the technical rhyming aspect, but the way you tell the story is really intriguing.
With that being said, I think my vote is gonna have to go to Ink, because I was more enthralled into his verse, the way I could almost reach in and touch the airplane because he described it with metaphors and such to bring it to life. He also told a story which is actually happening right now as we speak, and the way he told it was enjoyable and easy to relate to. Good shit both, but I was able to get through inks verse easier.
v/Ink