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I get dressed then I hop in the whip head down the block for a bit
Hear my song thru the speakers shit I'm shocked it's a hit
Demons flock to the kid tellin me you should stop you should quit
But I'll admit the flow I emit is bringing in gwap for the kid
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Alright flo, its obvious that you have a good sense of rhyming. I think the first half worked well in expressing the emotions of a.struggling artist, followed by his rise to fame. You create a slight.semblance of a disparaged home life but, it was only briefly touched on, which would be fine, but I feel you used that aspect to tie the whole piece together at the end, but it didn't work well, or it wasn't expanded upon enough. A little bland and expected, but good writing regardless.
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She dyes it blue, the gentle, cerulean sort that seemed to express a moodiness or youthful extort. I invite her over. Another beer can hits the wall, empty, "We're all empty," she says, trying to sound deep, but instead she's acting her age. Sixteen by the looks. Nineteen by the hopes. She grabs a cookie. Crosses her legs. Bright sheen on her hose. I smile back. My daughter's probably 15 now. (Don't think about your daughter.) What should I call her? "Babe" is dated. "Sexy" is trite. "Honey" makes me sound like her father. (Don't think about your daughter.)
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Certain decided to.write about a washed up artist, which makes sense since he's washed up himself. No lol. The whole thing about him going over in his head how to address the young girl was perfect The parantheticals made me laugh tbh, but I know you weren't aiming to be funny. It.worked, I'm just sick. Yeah. Green room inventory was a creative way of setting the tone from the start. That line that was all like.... I.don't know. Yeah I thought that line was weird. Didn't see its function. And explosive design seemed like a streeeeeeetch..but anyways
V/Certain