Ok im high.and in the need to feed shit so here goes, your structure was actually good but some of your wording was off. Let me try to explain
Quote:
Originally Posted by H4ZE
I've been neglected and used
That makes depression ensue
right here if it sounds off. when you read it back to yourself, try a different word, i would have used "which" instead of "that", reason being is the "i" soft sound clicks with the soft "i" sound in depression, doesnt make a big difference but the word "that" just is way out of place here imo
I'm gettin abused,
Been beaten,I've been left with a bruise
right here i would have taken out the word ive. We already know you're talkin about you and its just unneccesary
Now I question the truth,I've been lied to so many times
I now hate people,they're all full of stupid and petty lies
Here this was a good bar but it could have been worded better, sometimes what i do if i get stuck is to just stop writing for awhile. Whether i just come back later or just start writing something else and then come back (i have like 30 half finished pieces) this will help you refresh your brain though. For example i would have said
sometimes i question the truth, ive been lied to so many time
hate everyone in my life, they're stupid, useless and lie
Those little things help the overall flow
Every time I trust some one they end up bein fake
There's no real people they're all devils,evil as snakes
you could have used as inbetween evil snakes to make it make a little more sense and match up syllable wise
I feel enraged,I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are fake,but still they make good impressions
i liked this right here
Like they're worth trusting,but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help,they're out to hurt,they're bloodthirsty
again, dope
They'll tell you they love you,then turn around and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till every one's heard about the wrong shit
Even family, you really can trust no one I mean it
These people damaged me,now I can no longer believe em
They faked and lied, they said they'd be there for me forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know they deceived me for pleasure
the rest of this was solid
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I'm in no means one of the best writers but i do believe i am a good writer and just seeing potential i thought i would try to give you the best advice i have, and most of this is just from being around all these great writers. If you want to improve read these guys and learn from them @
Certain @
dead man @
Vulgar @
Geo Oats (oats change your name back bro, this is the second time ive had to edit cuz of your fuckin name, certain.. get on this) these are some of the top om writers. Anyways dont take this too critical, just trying to help. Peace