The opening segment had great use of caps lock. It created an environment of animated language. Judging some of your wording, you had good visuals and the backround information made me think you were a split personality talking to the real self, posturing and planning inner vendettas.
Whispers are still intact after initial wisp extract, captured to coo the crows that fiend the beady black of grey matter strewn across the beaten path to build your berg asylums that treat disease with wrist straps, from the depths of Atlantic oil shafts and spoiled explorer craft.
^The run-on sentence nature of this part threw me off. Technically, it just wasn't right. The content was interesting and I liked the end rhyme mixed in with rusty sci fi imagery.
Marijuana says i'm not alive
^This was forced. I would've went with ayahuasca or a plant with stronger hallucinogenic properties.
Overall, you've got an original style here. I can appreciate writing that bursts with energy; I would say that it's one of your strengths right off the bat. Use it to your advantage and keep the reader wide awake. One thing you can improve on is how you transition. A run-on sentence won't make as good of an impression as a flat-out impactful statement or singular line/thought. Welcome to the open mic section.
Keep doing you
|