Quote:
Originally Posted by H4ZE
I've been neglected and used
That makes depression ensue
I'm gettin abused,
Been beaten,I've been left with a bruise
Now I question the truth,I've been lied to so many times
I now hate people,they're all full of stupid and petty lies
Every time I trust some one they end up bein fake
There's no real people they're all devils,evil snakes
I feel enraged,I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are fake,but still they make good impressions
Like they're worth trusting,but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help,they're out to hurt,they're bloodthirsty
They'll tell you they love you,then turn around and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till every one's heard about the wrong shit
Even family, you really can trust no one I mean it
These people damaged me,now I can no longer believe em
They faked and lied, they said they'd be there for me forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know they deceived me for pleasure
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I personally liked this. Some lines show great potential. An extra syllable here or there, or a slightly different choice of word can really make all the difference to your scheme though. It's good, but some places require pauses that might be better filled with sound and vice versa. Think about your rhyme on a syllabic level, and about where you want to make an impression. For instance, and this is just a quick edit;
I've been neglected and used
This makes depression ensue
I been gettin abused,
Beat and left with a bruise
Now I question the truth,
I've been lied to so many times
Now I hate people cause people are
full of these petty lies
Every time I trust somebody
they end up as a fake
There's no real people around
only devils evils and snakes
I feel enraged -
I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are the fake but they
make their decent impressions
Like they're worth trusting...
but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help -
they're bloodthirsty
They'll tell you they love you,
then turn and talk
shit
Spreadin rumors till everybody has
heard about the wrong bit
Even family,
you can't trust em, I mean it
These people damaged me,
now I no longer believe em
They faked and lied,
said they'd be there forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know
they deceived me for pleasure