ABSURDIST SATIRE: THE MODERN GOD AS A STRANGER.
Stacy, could you please show Mr. God his way into my office -
Hello God, I’d like to discuss your contract’s termination clauses.
I speak on behalf of the shareholders and our board member peers,
while it’s true you’ve been the organization’s head for 4,000 years,
We have to let you go. Sorry to put it as plainly as that,
Our organization is looking to change and adapt.
We need a new CEO. Doctrine and dogma is boring,
Fire and brimstone is just so one-thousand and fourteen.
We haven’t made a decent profit since the crusades,
and market research shows you’re seen as simple and plain.
In our world of miniature gadgets and LED-flashing computers,
Kneeling in pews just doesn’t resonate with today’s tech-savvy consumer.
Not to mention the negative press, our competitors think we’re a joke,
Like the publicity stunt when we elected the first black midget gay pope.
Focus groups want digital tokens for their sins and their penance,
They want redeemable mobile vouchers for instant repentance.
We need to switch up the message, modesty’s out and sexy is in,
and while we’re at it, let’s make not spending a sin.
Excellent things like churches and chapels with online stores,
to sell novelty shirts like “I’m with stupid.” and “I’m with the Lord.”
Christ isn’t trending anymore, crosses and rosaries no longer sell,
In developing economies Allah and Yahweh are posting losses as well.
Don’t get me started on that twitter failure - #HosannaHolySaviour.
The Eucharist is too indistinct, we’re replacing it with a low-carb gourmet wafer.
The wine? Substituted with all-natural Guava and zesty mineral water,
We desperately need to turn things around for the next fiscal quarter.
Our stocks are quickly falling, we finished trading down 12.4 points,
The church has such bland patrons, look at who those joyless bores anoint.
Market analysis indicates 11 to 19 year old females would better respond if we chose Miley Cyrus as a saint,
We need to attract target demographics, our financial projections are nose-diving as of late.
Monotheism’s archaic when compared to New Age sciencey pseudo-religions,
We must compete with this pantheon of humanitarians by riding out the tide of new consumerism.
Buddhism is still cool, you could be more interesting too, capture youthful imaginations,
Reinvented as a half-man half-animal with Hugh Jackmans acting in the movie adaptation.
“IN THE BEGINNING I CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH.”
About that. You made some blunders according to our technical efficiency experts.
You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions.
You didn’t sufficiently take advantage of potential revenue streams,
You could have hidden life’s suffering with viral marketing development teams.
This is getting extreme, we can’t keep rewarding your mistakes with continued employment,
Prophets keep on scheduling judgement day and you keep on missing appointments.
You’re a stranger now, you're old and tired, we’re truly sorry how this all transpired.
Take the golden handshake -
God is fired.
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