I'm gonna break this jawn down. @
Aesthetic
Quote:
I awoke this morning and found my hands were trembling.
With flashing dreams I have trouble remembering.
^I liked this opening.
Dim lights and moving sights, replace the night.
^not sure why they 'replace' the night. Do you mean 'inhabit' or 'characterize'?Submarines and political magazines crowd the ocean floor.
^What kind of submarines? Are they sunken?
Littered with glitter coated morals broken and splintered.
^I didn't like how you didn't rhyme with ocean floor... threw it off for me.
Fur coats and dresses, presses the souls ink.
A space where the gods drink.
^A space where the gods drink is a great concept.
Perfume covered halls and contraceptive dolls, preventing women to think.
^Preventing women from thinking* would be correct English. You could've actually used 'contraceptive dolls' as the rhyming word for the previous line. It would've had a good ring to it if you made it a multi, i.e. contraceptive dolls, smog of Senegal
Guns are tarnished and tattered clothes are garnished as fashion.
A utopia with a passion.
I felt it was off because the cloth felt rampid.
^This third line is one of the worst I've read in a long time.
A sudden prefix of desire enclosed my fire.
Like encumbering demons, with sense of dire.
^second line doesn't make sense. If you can't make it work, simply change the rhyme in the first line.
I look blankly at the next human I speak.
"Is it bleak to ask what your doing."
^No one talks like this.
She took time to answer carefully.
And laughed with distaste.
"Your cruel and unnerving, im living and paced."
^Living and paced doesn't make sense..
But what was odd is when she talked it was misplaced.
^how?
I feel a sudden urge to tell her she's wrong but she wasn't.
Simple as that, they cant worry about nothing.
^ehh
I see her off as I return to the surface.
Giving hugs like stokes to a furnace.
^Nah
But really praying that her life isn't worthless.
I awaken and here I am, no real distraught.
Only a quickened pace of thought.
^Third line is good.
My hands find solitude in the image I have seen.
^I've seen* sounds more natural.
A rapture filled with intelligence and powered by kerosene.
Peace it seems can only last until pieces create the scene.
Because nothing will ever be perfect, not until humans feen.
^fiend*?
Peculiar to me that lavish lives mean something.
No poverty, no bourgeois.
No tyrant to cause an itch.
A perfect life with a dream of being rich.
^Last line wasn't cutting it for me.
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If you really are 17, you're good for your age. Work on conveying your point clearly and not biting off more than you can chew. There were some really good one-liners in here but they were shrouded by very mediocre construction. Read and revise more.
Keep doing you