Thread: Make. Believe.
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Old 02-21-2014, 12:17 PM   #1
Vulgar
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This was weak to me. The ending felt really rushed and also a little anti-climactic/predictable. Some of the rhyme patterns were uber-forced:

I would ponder where they took him, why his sons life wasn’t looked at
Sometimes I’d find old books to read of father and his goodness
Mom provides me with a bushel, and as eyes both stalk the pile
She confined one, said it’s gloomy and did not want me to look at it
Guess Dad was wild in his youth, it seems like all of us are crooked
But he glided up to Chief of the police before they took him
Ratted by his own policemen, he was swallowed for a good rest
But was honored by his team and I responded quick with good sense
Just like mice pursuing boots of cheese... I followed in his footsteps
^You could've easily had much more variety of rhyme words than this.

You spent 20 minutes on this, tops. You did a decent job of comparing the son to his father and having it tie together at the end. Not feeling this one though, I've seen far better from you @Nigma.

Keep doing you
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