alright. BARON. it is really no surprise to me that you've made it this far. through entire generational revolutions of 'forum writing' you have retained your own style that sort of defines 'topical' in a very conventional way. it is complex in content, simple in form. you shine in the sense that your language is universally accessible but you can encompass very provoking ideas within them. i think your take on the topic was well done. certainly straightforward, but emotionally impactful. i think my main issue with your submission was the fact that it literally, beside for the contextual facts or events (grandfather was a gambler, he is dying, note is passed) was one long running metaphor and that's it. a lot of clever lines that relate "life and death" to a visit at the casino. i could write one right now about clocks, or time, or bedspreads, or a visit at the DMV. it's not difficult. and this is probably why i consider this type of approach such a basic unit of 'topical' endeavor even though it is by and large the traditional approach. like i said - i am not surprised you've made it this far and have almost certainly already won this battle. you have a direct bullet and a knack for communicating an idea without overcomplicating it's premise for the sake of flexing a creative license. it's simple and clean and has clear advantages for many over somebody like vulgar who writes more cryptographically by instinct. like pancake says, it's dialed in. this is your baseline approach and you do it well. i enjoyed your verse greatly but really find myself wanting more from a semi-finals matchup. i enjoy food for thought and this fell a bit short of that. if only because i find myself wishing you had cut half the lines and explored something else as opposed to using all your space extending the same parallel. good idea, great writing, neat and clean in a tiny bow. with the latter begin your problems.
VULGARITY
Quote:
"You see," the Black Bard said, "all the wealth in the world turned him forsaken inside,
...content to rule over his tomb full of bullion until the day that he died."
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ok this is clearly the crux of your verse. this is why jenny was killed with a shovel. this is the action that supports the entire foundation. where you went wrong this week was trying to adapt to Lars' more conventional story-telling method as a strategy, when highlighting your contrasts would have been much more effective because you normally have an advantage to that end. your abstractions are often times more interesting to the average reader than, say, a clear-cut running metaphor type of verse like you were paired up against. most of us have been reading, writing, and voting on these sort of matches for quite some time and have a pretty clear categorical method for breaking verses down. i think your crucial failures were the static plot jumps that existed in your story. it never felt like a steady, smooth progression like Lars accomplished. it was ever flickering and fluctuating from one moment to the next. he is a loner, all of a sudden he is with his niece, she jumps into the water cause this imp shows up? finds an item that grants her wishes, gets lamb? idk man. i find myself reading this as i would a folktale, which is sort of the personality you gave this verse but even then, it remains a bit of a jarring experience. basically - i think the crux of your verse, the line quoted above, ultimately fails to explain why Genevieve is dead now. there isn't enough convincing psychic substance behind the character's actions in order to make them believable or relatable. it distances us rather than brings us closer to your writing, whereas your normal approach always makes me feel like i am getting to know as a writer you in your true form. Lars has these sequential plot lines dialed in, and you simply do not at this point. it comes down to this. i was rooting for you. i am not ashamed to admit that i was more excited to battle you in the finals and for this reason, flat-out wanted you to win this battle.
however, these biases cannot distract me from the fact that Lars simply out-performed you this week. he accomplished what he set out to do, and you did not manage to counter with strong enough force.
VOTE BARON MYND AKA LARS