[oats]

I liked this. I think you excel with storytelling. The setting was constructed, the characters, though somewhat flat, worked well within the story, and you injected the conflict nicely. It's textbook, and that's a compliment. Your style is unique and you execute well.

I think you ran into a common problem with topical narratives here: the pacing. The time you took to just to build up to the action was about twice as long as the actual conflict and resolution itself. Think of it like this: beginning/middle/end should be roughly equivalent (with exceptions, of course), but about 2/3 of this verse was beginning, with middle and end crammed into the last 1/3. Though your writing is certainly good enough for most people to overlook that, I think it is something you could tighten up in the future.

It's tough because you also want people to read it, and most people shy away from longer pieces. At least dropping feed on them. But if the goal is to write the best verse you can write, don't concern yourself with length; let the story dictate how long it takes to be told.

All in all, this was a fun read. It entertained more than it challenged, but that's just as difficult to do, and often yields more palatable results. You're clearly one of the more talented writers around, so I'm not going to get into the strengths too much - by now you've heard plenty acknowledge them. I enjoyed this a lot though.