pretty cool little story. i think you really need to break the habit of extending your rhyme for the entirety or majority of a verse. it seems as though you do things like that, as well as post 13 verses in one day in OM to challenge yourself and almost sensationalize your writing. it is good enough to stand on its own without the stunts but do you bro. just letting you know..
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Zack Wicks for president
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