Netcees - View Single Post - i killed cupid and buried his little ass in my basement

Certain · 02-02-2014, 10:30 PM

This was perhaps the best of these short tomes to heartbreak I've read from you. I really liked the beginning, You dabble in cliché quite a bit, which can be difficult to execute. The "roller coaster of emotion" phrasing was really weak, but you bounced back from it. But I do think you'd be better off working to develop your own set of images and turns of phrases instead of working in such trodden ground. You're good at starting off verses well, perhaps because you usually keep things straightforward instead of burying yourself in metaphors that build on each other. The penultimate line bothered me because "we can both be" needs a plural object ("better people" instead of "a better person"), and I think that's one of those instances where even non-grammar nerds would fumble with the phrasing. But your rhymes are consistent and well-patterend, giving you a really natural cadence.

I'm hoping you will be back for Season 3 of the Art of Writing League, which I'll be running starting in about two weeks. Obviously, your personal life interfered, which is completely understandable and worth offering condolences for, but you had a strong run going at the start of Season 2.

Also, if you have time, Split Eight and I would appreciate a vote on our Battle Arena topical match: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49829

02-02-2014, 10:30 PM	#4
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This was perhaps the best of these short tomes to heartbreak I've read from you. I really liked the beginning, You dabble in cliché quite a bit, which can be difficult to execute. The "roller coaster of emotion" phrasing was really weak, but you bounced back from it. But I do think you'd be better off working to develop your own set of images and turns of phrases instead of working in such trodden ground. You're good at starting off verses well, perhaps because you usually keep things straightforward instead of burying yourself in metaphors that build on each other. The penultimate line bothered me because "we can both be" needs a plural object ("better people" instead of "a better person"), and I think that's one of those instances where even non-grammar nerds would fumble with the phrasing. But your rhymes are consistent and well-patterend, giving you a really natural cadence. I'm hoping you will be back for Season 3 of the Art of Writing League, which I'll be running starting in about two weeks. Obviously, your personal life interfered, which is completely understandable and worth offering condolences for, but you had a strong run going at the start of Season 2. Also, if you have time, Split Eight and I would appreciate a vote on our Battle Arena topical match: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49829 __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.