ZeeDee:
That first stanza was sick. And then it slowed a little (which isn't bad) but then the rhyming began to feel a bit forced...
ex:
Quote:
|
His first mission was fierce, he kicked it gear with kicks to their ears
|
I can see what you were trying to do.. but it would have been much better if you didn't try to overdo the rhyming by forcing "gear" in there. I'm not even quite sure what "kicked it gear" means...
This was a recurring theme in the piece, where it felt like you were more than willing to sacrifice better wording or clarity for the sake of another rhyme..
Some parts of the verse were pretty funny
Quote:
Tetsuo's thinking, "Did this bitch just smack me like I'm the bitch?"
Slightly impressed, but highly upset and is attacking as wild as it gets
|
... who gets impressed when someone bitch slaps them? haha...
The story was enjoyable and read like a old school cheese samurai movie.. Improvements in your wording and being more selective on when to rhyme would do wonders for you imo..
patrown:
This verse seemed a bit lacking to me.. in terms of how much you could have done with the subject you chose.. and what you actually did.. I liked how you began your verse.. but it really started coming undone a bit as you introduced the rats. It felt rushed, like you were too busy or didn't put in the time to really elaborate and lure us into the story you were sharing..
Vote: This one would go to
ZeeGee. Overall, he just had the better piece this week. Pat, I know you're capable of much better though