[Split]

"repetition" felt noticeably off compared to the rest of your opening lines.

Enjoyed the topic, and your approach... smell is the sense with the strongest connection to memory retrieval in the human psyche. I always find that people either find it difficult to lie in their description of smells, or are particularly adept at encapsulating their description of them thru sensory description and use of personal experiences, or it is very clear when someone has never smelled that thing that they referenced because we can tell it is off.

I'd say this is case #2. Gjdm.

lmao @ the twist. I cant tell if this is the grandpa never discovering that the smell of his aftershave repulsed her, if it's some symbology depicting the idolization of 'manliness' and the realization that it is something that is learned and not taught, or if its decrying overcommercialization through mockery.

I think the strongest part of this verse was between the lyricism/ presentation of mechanics, and the attention paid to portraying the Aqua Velva differently each time while describing the smell accurately.

I think one part that could use work- the sense of time in this piece. Maryln/ Marilyn confused me a bit in regards to that, as did the dual relationship between the grandoarents and the grandson and his girl, as did the sudden jumps between time frames.

The separation of each experience could contribute a LOT to the thematic elements at play here (growing up/ realization that adulthood is not what we imagined or envisioned in our childhood) so it was a bit frustrating that the barriers and transitions were very much on the thin side of clarity.


An otherwise great verse that could have used a final edit, imo. Good stuff, Frank.