[dead man]

vulgarity - it is noted how you toned down your more erratic stream of consciousness for this round in favor of a more focused topical approach. you are clearly able to thrive in any method you choose, and this was no different. karma and conscience as a centerpiece here for an elderly man of shadow. you spend your entire life cashing in on the misfortune of others, there are bound to be internal conflicts that hollywood has both glossed over and glorified in classic and contemporary anti-hero cinema. your concept is golden and your writing is great as always. you have personality and charming charisma in your rhyming. its very vintage vulgar at this point. i think you could have used more weapons that we all know exist in your arsenal to create a fuller, more experiential photograph of this man and his life of crime, but it seemed as though your intention was that of a glimpse through the keyhole. it felt like a summary, which is not necessarily a complaint, but at this stage of competition, it is a risky maneuver for an audience that expects a very developed level of work especially from a competitor of your calibre. i am sold on your overall execution but a tad disappointed with the pace and scope of the character you have dubbed Mahmoud.

split 8ths - still, i am convinced you are the up and coming. already one of my favorites to read and this work was packed with lines that exemplified what i enjoy in your writing.

His study of science developed into a studying science.

i will be mulling this over for a while.

Home was a house he had left. Passages walked
til he found a thought to follow again.
Like shouts in his head. Mantras mounted like death

sharp.

you are forging your own voice and have the ability to compress so much into such tiny slice of language. it is a mark of one who creatively writes effectively. spectacular insight into the academics' search beyond academia. there is only so much to be learned from scholarly articles. many famous academics stress the importance of introspection over observation for tho exact reason. an entire field of philosophical thought revolves around the problem of natural science for similar reasoning. but i am getting ahead of myself.

you paint a great picture here. word choice was image heavy and unexpected. it felt very dancakish in spots but i think we all influence eachother enough here in our little oasis to justify those overlaps.

i think your turning point came here:

So it was folly, he feared, that he pledged his life
to the art of surviving, and felt so far from alive

from the viewpoint of a surgeon in the midst of an existential crisis of sorts, this was conceptually superb. and i mean that.. i would venture so far as to say, from my perspective, this couplet alone secured your victory.

this was another match in which there is OBVIOUSLY no clear cut winner or loser. simply individual preference among voters and countless other variables which determine the outcome. this battle could swing either way depending on the time of day in which it is experienced. however, at this very moment, i could not forgive myself for voting against what is (in my opinion) one of split's strongest verses ever submitted.

v/ SPLIT

thanks to you both. and good luck.




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