oXus. Good piece of writing here. I like your word usage you cheeky, person you. Also. Good story. It reminded me a bit of lars writing. Not in its entirety, because you guys have totally different writing styles, but just the way it's structured and the initial underlined thought process is similar. You guys could probably be a compatible match if you were gay!
That being said, this was one of my better liked verses of the round. I'm a little hesitant to say that I think you might double check your verses more-so than I. I don't at all. I feel you have this laziness to you,but not in a bad way. Moreso a pretentious overall sting that comes off, that you don't go back to see if theres anything wrong, not because you aren't a perfectionist, not because you're lazy, and not because you're cocky, just because I think you think if it's not right - it ain't meant to be, sort of thinking. This was awesome. I saw you made more than a few edits, I've read your verse quite a bit and if my memory serves me right you made about 2 changes. I think maybe 3. Not sure. I wish I could do that. I might go back and do it. I see a compound word in mine that can be seen as two words, but I think everyones reading it as the other way, which in its line is okay, but the syllable's are off. Anyway, to your verse. Mechanically it is good. You have a knack of fooling around with dactyl settings. Masculine and pyrrhic constants are constantly showing up through a wide array of verbage. The storyline maintained a distant yet impending formula.
Quote:
I feared love, and loved to fear the very throes of acceptance,
Under a similar guise I strummed melodic strokes with a plectrum,
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lol. I liked the feared love, loved to fear reversal bit. I do that a lot. And in doing so you can make up, or create new lines. It's an awesome and fun, brilliant little tool.
Quote:
Unsure where to sit, nearly tripped, at each end of an emotional spectrum:
I feared love, and loved to fear the very throes of acceptance,
Under a similar guise I strummed melodic strokes with a plectrum,
In hopes it’d affect them hoe’s defects and I could grope in a bed but
it was so disrespectful, a soul’s proto-projection.
Never been shy, but with a lens? every photo’s an emblem.
Every fold on the camera roll’s an anecdotal lesson.
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This whole piece read decent. This was probably the weakest part of your verse to me. It seemed to try and correlate the concept of a camera, and photography, but it just seemed random to me. And almost, like I said. Lazy. With that said. You drew a picture, and quite a good drawing at that, coupled with swift brush strokes, and a fervent, constant colorine. You killed it. Made it your own and most of all, didn't delineate too far, enough for a connection with the audience, yourself, emotions and the topic. Excellent.
NYC. Where do I start. Dope start. And dope ending. What confused me the most was your middle. Most writers pride themselves on satisfying themselves to an extent. Like that girl that read blacks piece on the dating site, she knew it was good, she knew it was advanced, she just didn't know anything. That's what I feel sometimes when I read your pieces. You have this large expansive vocabulary. And if I were to match you with anybody in this tournament, it would be oX or a less structured vulgar with a pensive measure. You guys are kinda one in the same box. That's a good thing - but one thing I have to say about you guys is the way you go about things, and sometimes your vocabulary is a bit awkward in the way it's used. And in this battle itself I feel oxus did everything slightly more to my liking. You can connect elements, but with such awkward and far fetched networks, it bares uncommon to some and it just doesnt have that writers luster that it couldve or respectfully, shouldve had. What sort of threw me off was the generals piece. I feel you took a risk breaking it down here and though, fruitfully written, with such oustanding connections, I felt you made a bit of a leap. Mechanically, it is there, though I see some faults, and you have a customary habit of cutting cutlets of amphibrach weaving, with typical form of sentence clusters. For example. You had almost 0 transitioning in your entire verse, which was outstanding. You had a alliterary assonance effect in SOME, such as warm/girl/world in that cluster ahead of the generals piece, but that's about it. From what I can remember. This just makes for a complex read much LESS smoother to read. Readers, especially on a hip hop orientated site love the connecting of transitional phrasing through syllablic notion. You remind me of shakespeare, almost - lol. Take that as a compliment, or do not. You have a sort of iambic sense to you, where your femininity, typically speaking, in words, not through signature of your overall aura, is sorta a reversed inversion of the typical pentameter. You usually end in a masculine sense, and begin or mix in feminine clusters. That's typical of you, and I think only you. Deadman is also another writer that contributes this to an extent, but it's hard to think off, off the top of my head because it is very vast. The stressing of certain syllables come off as perturbly awkward, and maybe that's why you have a less motivating stance on transitioning fluently. That's the only assimilation I can make based on your awkward mid of your verse. The intri***y was vivid, and the connections you made were vast, and I felt you shot out a chakra wave in all directions instead of a centered beam like oxus. Though you cna have success shooting wildly in all ways, this was a centralized topic, and you took it in your hands to weave it more complex as usual. This is typical of you, since you have this sort of odd way of approaching things, but they still come out beautifully. I think here though, you did a little bit too much when you couldve woven a beautiful, understanding, and simpler piece. I love what you did, just not how you conveyed it at times.
Quote:
the girl's face glints in the sun - as she grants him an absolution of kinds:
"Your lover and daughter died in that crash, the same caused this dissolution of mind
but blame your magnum opus, that sorry work for consuming your pride...
This reality's a mirror of your obsession: the evil of your path
...your views are just the consummation of people in your past
in a sick way you're fond of this mental fog and amusement
secretly in love with all who brought on the illusion.
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The last two lines, were good. But that was your finishin couplet and it tied into the verse very oddly. I just wished you brushed up on your mechanics here, the outcome coudlve been different. Again. I loved your story line. And everything you embodied. I seemed to be harsh on criticisms and patronizing explanations of nothing really, but that wasnt my intention. I just get frustrated when you could create something grand but you limit yourself due to reprisal in a metaphorical sense