TYSON:
The verse had some grammatical and spelling errors. This read like more of a stream of consciousness piece, which was cool. There were some moments that made me stop to reread the line though.. it was a little choppy.
Quote:
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Our brains swell for margirine and only excell when spreading the toast over arguing
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^ that line, for example.. it stood alone, not paired with any other line.. and even with the internal rhyme of margarine/arguing.. it just felt off..
Really feeling how you chose to end the piece though.
Vinzr:
A more varied vocabulary could have helped you here...
Quote:
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Every window we pass, receive strange looks as we pass by
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I'm sure you could have found another word to use besides "pass".. this line itself was redundant, but not repeating the same word could have helped hide that fact some.
The verse read decently smooth, but it didn't really draw me in.. It felt like I was watching a black and white film without any sound, as opposed to watching something in surround sound and imax.. Some more detail and imagery could have remedied this.
vote: One verse was against violence.. one was depicting it.. interesting how that panned out. It's a tough decision.. but I'm gonna have to give this battle to
Vinzr