[big baby]

MY votes always go in a blackhole. Sigh, I had a long thing written up. I guess I'll expand onceeee again, but not as thoroughly. My pinky's feeling better though. It wasn't broken.

Deadmans verse wasnt as sharp as I thought it could be, but if you re-read it, it becomes a bit clearer to you. Not that it wasn't at first; it just seems theres a bit to be comprehended at second glance. This stood out a bit for me here, and not because of its duality. I sensed a bit of a rush here, if I look closely I see ideas being crunches together moreso than your other verses. A few lacking thoughts, and syllables seemed to be at an odd angle. With that being said, I don't think it really affected you much, because you have such a tightly wound verse,that the lacking of things, usually isn't really felt as a longer stanza, because you absorb things quicker, reading lines at a faster rate. So it's sort of like eating rice. In one fell swoop, a grain of rice won't fill you up, but a thousand might. Your writing reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke he said once.

"Rice is my favorite thing to eat when I'm hungry and I want one thousand of something."

That's exactly how your style comes off to me. Just a bowl of rice, crisp to perfection. I eat a lot of rice. It's easy for a baby to digest. Again, this round your concepts dont seem to be fully tangible, but they're connected with such a tight compact way of writing, they seem to just be connecting enough to create an image, without crisp detailed wording, it just falls into place, and a brush stroke painting with water colors is drawn to you by a street artist. I sorta want you to stop talking in this narrative, and actually describe something for once, not in essence, but just in true language. You created a quirky image that spoke to me after a few readings. It was compact, and tight, and delivered nicely on a katana blade, sliced to nicely sized portions.


Witty. Awesome writing, I'm checking if I did post, but I didn't. Which actually infuriates me, because I wrote this huge piece about you, and this verse, but agh. Mechanically, this verse was up there. It had a few rough edges but nothing that wasnt forcibly buffed out by the force of which you continued to stray on. I've actually never seen anything you've written for the most part. And this was cool. I liked the study vibe, a maniacal counter voice, spoken to a few, and affecting many. This following couplet was razor sharp.

We dreamed of a place where there was freedom from hate
Where peace could abate grief, and the deceit could deflate
Hearts roared with faith that we'll know our place when we die
Angels playing our favourite song, not a note misplaced or awry

I re-read it and read very smooth. I even enjoyed the u in favorite. Very European of you. My only problem with this is that you seemed to go on a tangent that I couldnt fully provide the right direction in which you were writing. Though, I can see the whole picture: I'll italicize the ambiguous setting to show you exactly where *I* thought your tone switched without no warning, or contract.

Prisoners prone; bowing before being tossed in the pit, a pitiful zone
Where the miserable moan and wither....alone
Now, with my body stripped and beaten, whipped and bleeding
This wicked cretin convinced that treason is my sin, I'm pleading
"I give in, my soul is shattered and my limbs are weakened"
But my pleas are ignored, while the murderous glow
Of Satan's eyes, blaze, as I'm tossed into the furnace below.


From the italicized point, thereon, I felt a shift. It was odd. It wasn't bad. It was good, but the knowing of a tangent is only clear to the author usually at first. If an undertone isnt perpetually scripted, then it's the readers job to take task in an inherent attempt to depict why, when, how, who, where, and what. This was weird because until that point I was thoroughly following a storyline, and then after that, It felt as if I was reading one of those books where chronologically the narrative is at another point in time and it then connects towards the end of the book/reading. This cost you the battle in my opinion, but I'll further go into detail. Both of you had a sense of, almost....it seemed rush. But I can't really pinpoint a word to describe it. Because it isn't rushed... it just seemed.....uninspired to a total length and able to imitate longevity in a sense of, sardonic mishap. Or something.


The ending...


There may be justice in death, but it's based on the law of the land
And I was disgusting at best, nothing, a pest that God hadn't planned
I was a sinner in life, and I'm a sinner in death
Now I whimper regret....while I simmer and sweat
We were heathen beasts, the sweet release of death; Our key to peace
Our sea of grief was supposed to wash up on the shores of eternal bliss
Now I face the churning whip of the flame and its burning kiss
And just before it hits, I see my lovers face turn to me
Troubled, crazed...a struggle, laced with uncertainty
And blow him a final kiss, before we are both covered in flames for eternity

was exquisitely written. But I don't get if there's a second meaning for flames. The quote reads, justice in the next life, is the person being described a perpetrator, and a repetitive not repenting sinner, or is he a justful man? See that's never made totally clear, in the beginning it sounds like a man UNJUSTFULLY tried. You mention the crawling at his feet, and it depicts an image of incarceration, of obscene kinds. Then at the end, in relation to the direct quote, they are in flames for eternity, and I believe being in flames in eternity is a correlation to hell, which means, what exactly? This sounds like me nitpicking, but I'm trying to make sense here. Though I understand it doesnt have to be one character cemented, and it could be various, or one told by another, or god himself speaking through two or just one person. And excuse me, but are there TWO guys,and are they gay? Cause that's pretty hot, and gay. My only inquiry would be, the unknowing nature of what made him/her?? to end unjustly, besides the factual basis of actually being trapped/incarcerated/tortured. Nothing in that nature was made clear. I wasn't looking for a story; per se, but maybe some insight wouldve bolstered the actual tenacity of this well written verse. Both of you seem a bit uninspired, or what have you, Idk. I enjoyed both verses, and this is very close, and I was leaning towards witty, but the ending just seemed a bit off for my taste, though it seemed pretty well balanced. Ugh. I just can't see myself thoroughly being completely satisfied, and I have to give the credit where is it to be given, which is deserved in both of your efforts. Thanks for the read guys.