Lars- Great use of descriptive language, enjoyed the beginning and ending but thought it slowed down in the middle. It might have been more effective if you described the guttral sounds and gesticulations once, and called upon these descriptions briefly again in the final scene. I thought the ending was cool although a little hokey with the whole alpha male thing because you're writing as author omniscient and you make it sound like you're just randomly call them alpha and bet then you turn it into "the first alpha male" type deal. I appreciate the creative impulse however and think this is a strong verse. Also the use of abatement was a not definitive enough imo to emphasize Bet's death. His death was sudden and surprising, it wasn't something that entailed a gradual process. Thanks for the read.
Certain- Very creative, if a bit anti-climactic ending wise. Reminded me a little of full metal alchemist brotherhood, you've probably seen it. The servant you portrayed is realistic, but his constant utterance of "master" was really annoying to me. It's sort of old-fashioned and I think a style of prose that was in vogue sometime during the very early 20th century. In fiction writing, however, I feel that even if that's how the character speaks, it can be conveyed without the constant repetition. If something brings realism to the table that's cool, but it was a bit of overkill this time in my opinion (throughout the whole verse). On the positive side though, you took me inside of your world and I was genuinely interested in how the story unfolded. As a character, I think I was interested in the master more and would like to have seen him fleshed out a bit more, but what you gave was enough, maybe just the bare minimum in a topical sense. The reverse spelling thing was cool and overall I'd have to say I enjoyed your verse more than Lars' this time despite the slow start. Would have liked the ending to be stronger somehow though. Your use of the author subjective was more compelling than Lars' use of author omniscient, close in terms of skill level but you got it this time imo.
V/ Certain
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UNIFIED THEORY
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