just write:
sing-songy. missed the boat on expanding fiery rage into something more allegorical. i thought the twist was awful. all of this build up for a pyro? serious? all the wind was sucked out of your verse with that. there was a lot of awkward wording.
last line was ugh. just ughhhh. never beat your reader over the head like that. give these people some credit. i know you can do better than this. don't know what happened but this read like someone told an NBL guy to write a topical verse. and they used all the cliches and expectations of what one looks like. please don't take this as a personal attack on you. i just really disliked this, especially compared to your other work.
p.s. matches can only ignite fumes in an enclosed space. try to light gasoline on fire sometime :P
oatmeals:
this was kebab, hummus, shwarma, plus another couple goats and
no grip of my stomach’s demands in this prison of mud brick and sand
^ awkward. would have liked it to be goats and land. ending on and broke up the flow really badly.
lol'd @ 9ers dig.
this was a superior take on my 9/11 terrorist tale. many little details and nuances that show the talent in your writer's voice. one of the better pieces i've read here in the past month or two. one little bit of confusion - did he bail but cause collateral damage anyway? seems like a lot of us are left wondering.
v/ oats
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