Netcees - View Single Post - ROUND ONE: (R)oats vs. (22)Just Write - (OATS WINS 8-1)

Pent uP · 01-18-2014, 06:45 PM

JW - Can i call you JW? Good. There were a lot of emotional angles to your verse I liked. The mother's actions toward the main character felt genuine and realistic and I really dug that. The confusion/misunderstanding in the main character was done really well too. My main problems stemmed from the story itself...the brother was coming home but you left out the potential BANG of face to face confrontation. Somehow the teacher knows the story and SHE breaks it to the main character instead of something else. I dont know it was a lot of random occurances and didn't feel fluid. Decent verse though.

Oats -- I laughed@the 49ers shirt comment but was SUPER upset by the fact you didnt play off the clockwork orange demented angle. the image of a rifle like a child in tow I thought was amazing, dunno why but I did. I felt the verse was a little long winded and under-characterized. This was missing some of your introspective touches that I usually glean from your verses. I'm kind of let down by this verse overall even though it was still strong? idk

Overall - I was expecting more from oats....but I always expect more from oats...soo..i'm an asshole. JW had some really good emotion to his verse, and I'm a sucker for that shit. Oats had a good story, but that's all it was. JW had a ehh story but really good emotion..I feel like I'm being overly critical of oats' though because his verse was still effective from all angles...

Vote - Oats

01-18-2014, 06:45 PM	#7
Pent uP Robin Williams of Fallen Victims Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 1,499 Battle Record: 25-11 Accomplishments - NC Hall of Fame Champed - Netcees Writers League (2x) - NWL Season 1 - Write Night I - Art of Writing League (2x) - Write Week IV Rep Power: 6862275	JW - Can i call you JW? Good. There were a lot of emotional angles to your verse I liked. The mother's actions toward the main character felt genuine and realistic and I really dug that. The confusion/misunderstanding in the main character was done really well too. My main problems stemmed from the story itself...the brother was coming home but you left out the potential BANG of face to face confrontation. Somehow the teacher knows the story and SHE breaks it to the main character instead of something else. I dont know it was a lot of random occurances and didn't feel fluid. Decent verse though. Oats -- I laughed@the 49ers shirt comment but was SUPER upset by the fact you didnt play off the clockwork orange demented angle. the image of a rifle like a child in tow I thought was amazing, dunno why but I did. I felt the verse was a little long winded and under-characterized. This was missing some of your introspective touches that I usually glean from your verses. I'm kind of let down by this verse overall even though it was still strong? idk Overall - I was expecting more from oats....but I always expect more from oats...soo..i'm an asshole. JW had some really good emotion to his verse, and I'm a sucker for that shit. Oats had a good story, but that's all it was. JW had a ehh story but really good emotion..I feel like I'm being overly critical of oats' though because his verse was still effective from all angles... Vote - Oats Last edited by Pent uP; 01-18-2014 at 06:53 PM.