I really dislike this storytelling with content only being based on the chronological timepiece of events transpiring as they go on, rather than exercising a caution to remain open minded and touch of most elements you can, which is to entertain the reader, connect puzzles, and make a link so real that your mind can recreate it without the hassle of some dismissive text. Frank started with a narrative piece, I've read three pieces from Frank and they follow the same template, not to say, it isn't good, because obviously he has won things with this style, and it is energizing in some way, but I feel like a repetitive author churning out the same works. Not his mechanics, which are serrated down, nor the way he structures a stanza, just the way he goes about things, in the AOWL, frank used a odd way of approaching, but I felt his skillset needed more sharpening to approach such a vast topic he was recreating. He talked of grandiose tasks through a psychological behavior, and some other hoolahoo. It was cool, but I feel he underestimated his ability to perform what he was thinking, rather than what he's allowed to create with his creativity. This was the opposite here, where he played to his strength, and let his own work speak for itself, in itself. This reminded me of Wise Ways when he's being weird with his vocabulary, and though playfully playing with schematics, he transfers a monotone subject matter (which I hope he snaps out of) and this completely turned me off, and showed almost a sense of laziness, to which i'm almost embarrassed to describe as something lesser, everything up , and after this point was good, but this was just ridiculous in it's wording, the way it set-up following lines, and the overall image you had, and not to mention the weird relation to the picture. You filtered off topic, and started talking about a altercation at a traffic stop, which was tied into the rest of the story, decently, at best.
"
A trooper flashes the sirens which appeared triumphantly bluer
He knocks on the glass and asks Jesús – “Who’s this couple of boozers..?”
Jesús says “This is Mr. And Ms. Cooper…… Honeymooners.”
....This motherfucker was smoother than a babies-bottom nuzzled in hooters...
“Oh yeah…….? The speed limits 35. And you were doing double” -
A couple of scooters, kids whizzing by ruffled his feathers, rustling; the bustle of bloopers
Cooper leaned for his wallet. The cop juggled his deuce-deuce and fumbled his nuker "
bustle of bloopers, nuzzled in hooters. Fumbled his nuker.
Was this supposed to be comedy? It was horrible wording, and you know it.
That's what it reminded me of. The topic was linear in fashion, but it sort of drifted off into the denizens. I've no idea what the hell. The scheme was odd. And I just read other voters commentary, right now, and I see splits commentary has the same exact ideology as I do, which I'm glad because I've no idea. Stubble harpooner, is this referring to the fact of the stubble digging into her skin during coitus? Or....if that's the case, you can word this so much better. Or maybe you can't..- That's the thing. This hurt you horribly, and your mechanics suffered intensely here. I mean it - intensely. I think it's sort of odd. I've never really been impressed then so easily unimpressed in one fell swoop, reading a piece. You mechanics proved to be an irreversible tangent that ended up being detrimental due to your overall lack of depth.
Nigma, easy calm verse. Struddled off topic for a bit, but regained ground with a few lined up overall schemes. The wording wasn't as crisp as I'd like it to be, but it seemed like a pretty quick scripted verse, the storyline was edgy, original, yet fuzzy. The mechanics were the same, and nothing ever impressed me solely from you. The way you wound together conduit to get the wattage going on in your text was cool, and I appreciate your actual showing. For the task at hand, you provided an insight on a manner, and a cliche picture that actually probably ended up being one of the weakest battles for the first round (imo) fortunately enough, you sort of broke through an invisible barrier holding back both opponents this match, but still were bothered by the initial impact of the state of confusion this entire thread left me in, but a very humble and worrysome vote cast headed your way. Your story wasnt as thought out as franks, though franks was thought out almost too much, and stretched way too far, and if either of you went to a director and presented this as a screenplay I think they'd probably reject both because it was so off the wall, I feel almost drunk reading this. I'm maybe exaggerating, nigma's verse wasn't as dizzy as his opponents, but I chose you for one of the best writings in 2013, so I know your true worth. Thanks for the battle guys. I enjoyed it,