[PancakeBrah]

Mike Wrecka-

I loved the split the atom/split us line. The first section was really well done. Many pieces take the first person narrative route, but taking that route about actually writing the piece is a welcome nuance.

Overall, I think the first and last sections are the strengths of this piece. Both were very fluid in delivery and I was rapt with interest. The internal conflict spilling out through a journal-like admission, and the almost cold relief in being able to kill yourself after losing what you thought tethered you to life. Very good. I liked the first section for it's exposition and detail; I thought the lines and ideas you presented were very real and in line with the possible mindstate you were going for. Natural. And the ending was good because it takes a beat to death twice over concept of topical writing (suicide) and makes it a bit more refreshing and unique simply due to the rationale and plight that brought us to that point.

I think the middle section, the meat of the story, was solid but just slightly less interesting and well done in comparison to the other two sections. I'm not sure if it's the lack of punctuation but the dialogue had a slightly rushed feeling to me. But that's not my main problem with the section. I encountered this same problem when I wrote my AOWL verse against Frank; you had an obvious endgame and starting point both of which were great. The trouble was getting the connection. I think what I really wanted was a bit more reaction from the main character. Yeah, that's exactly what's missing for me now that I think of it. You go exposition;Dr. Change explanation;suicide. I think a small stanza where your main character writes about the internal reaction, whether joyous, confused, or a bit disappointed, would have really made this close to a 10/10 story type piece for me. You did so well with the internal machinations in the first stanza that I wanted to touch base one more time before he consummated his final act.

That's a long paragraph detailing the negative I found in your verse and that's a bit unfair because as a whole I think this piece was excellent. It's just that one missing ingredient could've pushed it into that 'verse of the week' conversation. As it stands now it's a solid 8-9/10 for me. Great work, Mike.

Certain-

Very thick, with multiple things going on for the reader to chew on. A third Walking Dead, a third Fight Club, a third War of the Worlds, all commentary on the nature of humans. You did this trick where you created a protagonist and a storyline with characters that the reader were interested, which carried the verse, but they were just vehicles to drive your overarching message home. A parable with laser beams and mind control, the intrepid hero and the damsel. You did well in creating empathy, succinctly describing the trials of your characters. Your diction and use of literary devices and formatting was top notch. Everything fluidly went from point to point and you arrived at your ending with the correct pace, finishing with wording and action that made your point seem natural without being shoehorned in. You had the theme and idea in mind and worked backward. This was airtight. You had a couple misuses of grammar but I'm not going to point them out. Hopefully that annoys you.

I've told a few writers this week they've had possible verses of the week but this was easily the best battle of the week and it showed I obviously mis-seeded Mike Wrecka. All apologies for that. I think Certain, though, had the more complete and cohesive verse from beginning to end whereas Mike had these flashes of superiority but was a bit more uneven. Great read, it's a shame either has to lose. Well done to both.

v/ Certain