[PancakeBrah]

Just Write-

This was everywhere and nowhere at once. I will say that I did not correctly predict the outcome of your story after the first handful of lines, which I usually do with story pieces. I have two major problems with your verse, one being related to the overarching story and idea, and the second being related to the writing. My problem with the story is that Freddy is the most interesting character. The way you wrote this, the reader wants that moment of actually "meeting" Freddy the same way your narrator does. That's what I thought you were setting up. Instead, we're introduced to the father narrative halfway through when we're already invested in Freddy as the engine of the verse. And in the end, we're brought back to a mother/son anecdote, basically, that touches on a tired theme. I wasn't empathetic towards the obviously crushing revelation because the father thread was brought forth almost as if it was secondary. So we went from Freddy, to father, to Freddy, to mother in terms of throughline of importance. It seemed scattershot to me, without focus. I won't get into the nuts and bolts of the actual storyline other than it seemed weird that the narrator found out about Freddy from his teacher. That needs more explanation to be believable. As for the writing, it seemed a bit dry, and the rhymes a tad forced (and simple), simply there to proceed with the narrative.

oats-

Awesome. One of the best I've read this week. Your verse was nuanced and at times funny in a breaking-the-fourth-wall kind of way. The narrator's family was the focused thread that Just Write's verse lacked and they probably constituted 10% of the content of your verse. But his motivations and actions are all reasonable and everything makes sense within the context you created. You grabbed the readers attention with the opening lines and there really wasn't a point where you let up (except possibly the stanza third from the bottom, the stanza ending in 'ignorance'). Your ending was a bit confusing to me, as there are a couple of interpretations I arrived at after thinking about it. But that's not a deal breaker and I'm probably just illiterate. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Props to both writers but oats excelled where JW didn't. I've liked a couple of recent JW open mics and expected a bit more here but I think he may have tried too hard for depth whereas oats let the story tell it self, well.

v/oats