[PancakeBrah]

Totoro-

Pretty but slightly askew. The descriptions and insight were beautifully crafted, very fluid. You grabbed the attention of the reader, and even in the valleys of the verse you maintained a level of expertise that kept everything afloat, above the mendoza line. I liked the idea of going Tarrantino on us, working front to back back to the front in theory. But you lacked a bit of depth in the latter portions of your verse, specifically the seven years before section. I understand your intended effect; keep the portion short and to the point, and let the reader extrapolate the the effects of that very moment and how it relates to the character's future. I can appreciate the brevity, it gives the moment almost more import due to it but I can't help but feel fleshing out the impetus would've helped. I liked the ending, though, so you ended on a high note. Even with my critique, I think this verse was very well done and expertly written.

YDK-

This was pretty good. I think your approach to the topic was well thought out - instead of looking at the picture as a suicide (although you touched on it) or as an appreciation of nature you instead looked at is a snapshot of a life, the moment of being ensconced in everything you've built, taking a breath and the time to view it, and deciding whether to stop or continue. Conceptually, very strong. My personal preferences, though, preclude me from thinking you executed on the concept at a high level. Your writing had little flashpoints of creativity and strong wording but for the majority of your verse it felt like verse by numbers. Nothing overly captivating, and a little generic to quote oats. I think you had the right idea but didn't have the tools to really create an outstanding verse, which with your concept you could have.

This is a case of one writer writing his way out of a deficit in concept. I really enjoyed YDK's idea about the topic, but his writing fell a bit flat to me. NYC, meanwhile, was a bit more in line with what I expected but he wrote at a high enough level to overcome the difference. Enjoyed reading this, fellas.

v/Tortoro