[PancakeBrah]

ZYG-

Entertaining, with the possibility of some deeper reading. On the surface this was a satirical look at sports commentary and fascination; had the feel of Running Man/Hunger games written by The Onion. I particularly enjoyed the triple play/quadruple score line and the bottle of water advertisement. Funny lines. Also, this was an ironic verse in relation to the picture. You wrote for comedic effect in direct opposition of the seemingly try-hard epicness of the graphic drawing. I believe that effect was purposeful and not a ancillary coincidence. The only real negatives I found with the verse was it was a bit plain technically, especially for you, and that I think you left yourself open to losing to a very well crafted srs approach. I think this verse is a bit more 'intelligent' than a reader would give credit for after a cursory reading. But in the end it was a fun little bit of satire with some creative science-fiction elements and comedic one-liners. I enjoyed it.


Mordycai-

Having never read you before, really, I was impressed. Your verse had a fatal flaw, though, which we'll get to later. You're a strong writer, in spurts, when you're not forcing a rhyme. In particular, the 'myself I annoy' 'find shade for her crime', and 'axe through' lines were mint. You have a knack for wording, and, if I can be self-indulgent for a second, I see a lot the traits I like about my own writing in yours. It was nuanced. The fatal flaw, though, is the lack of framing and, in turn, sense in your verse. We start out in a boat, okay. Why are there mines around us? And if we're in a boat, why are the mines emerging from the ground? You say they're in the sand but if we're in a boat they don't surround us. This may seem nitpicky but it's not; your entire verse is predicated on the beginning and the beginning has no logic. Perhaps I can stretch out those lines to mean a complete destruction, but it's not my job as a reader to create meaning. I need something more; not necessarily a cause but a frame to work within. You may say to yourself "Cake, ZYG's verse is about a battle royale in an empty dust bowl with a ship, who was logic?" but ZYG's verse was self-contained, a moment captured. Yours relied on empathy and relating to the plight; it was a description of a life couched in a story but the story lost me from the point of origin. I thought you wrote exceedingly well. If you had wrote 6-8 lines before your current starting point you would've likely won.

I've been consistently impressed by the battles I've read in this tournament so far and this is no different. I'm not overly familiar with mordycai but on a strictly technical level I think he outwrite ZYG. ZYG, though, had the topical chops and nuance to take advantage with a better concept and better begin to finish idea.

v/ZYG