[Split]

Inno
first i'm just gonna pick out the sections that stood out to me, then break it down as a whole. I feel that works better to help me frame these pieces in their entirety as lyrics and as stories. and it apppeals to my ADHD

eardrums burst, blood stained shirts worn as the soil played confetti
> cool metaphor

even death is humble.
> this added a lot of perspective to the scene you were painting, really resonated as a profound line. maybe the best phrase you've ever put to paper.

the blood soaked air, we breathe in the scene. Red sons under red dawns.
Thought this was dope, but it would've been cool if you incorporated it literally, somehow... like as a part of the setting. I feel like if you include turns of phrase as descriptive or natural to the scene it makes them more real, more organic

we waltz to each bullet thrown.
>cool... obv dancing for bullets isn't a new concept, but waltzing is so formal and abusrd it just worked.

wolves playing sheep, devilish priests'
weaving façade and deceit.
leaving at odds the deceased, we are disease. A plague that persists.
a wound that never concedes.
>best part of your work, lyrically

overthrown by kings of false privilege.
queens of forced leverage, princess' of scared lineage.
kingdoms united under stolen courage.
>pretty cool. didn't like "stolen courage." Also, i think if you swapped the royalty with like, the equivalent roles of warlords/ revolutionary chieftains it would have added more depth and believability to the piece


Overally, a really good verse. Honestly, I think it was your best on the site so far. I still prefer your poemz though. It's because your poems incorporate your attention to detail without becoming unbalanced in scope. Here, and in a lot of your topicals, you seem to dwell on the physical details and the microcosms of your world w/out paying attention to metaphysical things (role of the community, sculpting how the story affects people and the society in a way that reflects a theme or the topic itself) or the 'arc' of your story.

Everything seemed more or less in place, conceptually... you had the groundwork. It was real solid. Imo what separates your very good verses from becoming great/ outside the realm of criticism for completeness or quality, is the four or five lines that branch out like a spiderweb, that might not serve a visceral purpose but relate everything within your verse to one another... conceptual flow, almost

Here/ in ur topicals in general, I feel like you tend to force an ulterior theme... in this case "war is art". It didn't work for me. Your story was trying to say something else, something that was valid in and of itself. Like, you have a desk-fan that is facing the wall... instead of turning it around to face you, you built a system of cardboard tubes that loop around the desk and point at your face... you even opened the window to let the fan move air, but then you forced your hand.. ALL U GOTTA DO IS TuRN THE FAN AROUND AND LET IT DO WHAT ITS SUPPOSED TO DO

I think this breakdown puts in words why your poetry is killer and ur topicals are less so... poems dont need this sort of conceptual framework to provide a theme or w/e.

Mechanically/ rhythmically.. this was a lot better than usual. Rhymes were kind of predictable, and there wasn't a lot of flow or a solid cadence to lead between the lines... but the multis/ end rhymes/ inners worked together decently to keep things mixed up and consistent.

word tho. Stop forcing your themes. Let ur story lead, all u gotta do is point it in the right direction and make sure its steady on its feet





Vulgar

so dead @ declared SCUD missiles a nuisance

This was dope, son. good synthesis of traditional storytelling, Vulgarian reference art, and off-kilter humor

lol you really took the humor in the topic photo and ran with it.

intro was super enigmatic. I thought about the blood/ water rezzy quote for a while, still puzzled. a bit. I dont understand the significance of the twins, or if it was supposed to match up with the end... I lumped it all together as rebirth/ commitment to change like how a new child would make your life shift... really clear progression of ideas, and mad funny too. A couple stumbles here and there, mechanically. Not even stumbles, really, just nits i'd pick. Cause as usual, as a whole you were technically godlike

dad's inspired line was whack to me, u didn't characterize violence as masculine just sorta highlighted the need for maternal love...

I thought the bracketed stuff was unnecessary... I get that you had to separate it into a foreground/ background, but you lost me with the Founding Document and Prospective Donor bit... although, I do kind of like the Donor bit, just getting it now

Like, Africa as a whole just needs a mother to love it and care about it... not a father figure i.e. what it has now... actually really cool. Lol@ it being in the form of foreign aid/ charity work. 2Political. It's a weirdly cool critique, a parody without being a satire, but it isnt silly or light-hearted.


Verdict




Really good showing by both. Innovator left me wanting more, he was on the verge of taking the story to a unique place that I can only describe as shellshock symphony. Vulgar was much broader in scope, touched on the geopolitical aspects of it all, and somehow humanized it without resorting to a convoluted plot to stand-in as a metaphor for everything.. very direct.

Imo, Vulgar snagged this w/ supreme mechanics and a fuller, more rewarding story. Thx to both writers, I enjoyed delving into both of your verses... Inno I hope u take that leap forward, if it is at all clear to u what i was getting at. Dope battle. Keep keyin.