[Just Write]

It was a tuesday. my mother spoke in an excited, yet mellow tone
Said "baby tomorrow's the day your brother Fredrick comes home."
I was six when he left for the army, i can barely remember
All i know is there was snow, so it must have been around december
I remember the glow of our fireplace, my mother crying for nights & days
I tried to drown out the sound by hiding down on the fire escape.
I had dreams about him, living and dying. Woke up in sweats
Imagined all the places he went and all the people he'd met.
In my eyes Freddy was the best, by far my biggest hero
Never thought it bizarre i wrote him a letter everyday, & got back zero
Mother said she sent em out but i guess he was just too busy
But i understood. My little mind thought he was just too far from the city.
I remember i wanted to be him for holloween one year
Mom just shrugged and muffled, "if you only knew dear"
I was so young I didnt think nothing of it...
..., grabbed some old green rags out the cupboard and moms make up bag
Ran in the room with her black eye shadow all over my face and laughed
Said "mommy look!, arn't you proud? i'm a real soldier now, just like freddy!"
I could see what i said was besetting as she left the room in tears
I wanted to comfort her so i put my ear to the door so I could hear
I said, "mommy you there, are you ok? Can i help?"
She replied with a sigh and said, "I just need to be by myself"
I remember walking back to my room, feeling rather somber
I missed that male to male comfort. my brother gone. the loss of my father.
You see my dad passed away right before freddy went to war in a fiery crash
I don't remember seeing it, just hearing the boom & them putting dad in the hospital van.
Everytime i asked my mom about it, she would just shut me out
So eventually i learned that's something we just don't talk about.
At this particular time i was 14 and still couldn't see the truth
Til a teacher at school told me freddy was doing time down in cell block 2.
It was almost too much for my mind to handle
All this time my brother's life was a lie, wrapped in scandals
I was in a fiery rage, rushed in the house demanding an explanation
"Mom how the fuck could you lie to me!", didn't realized i cussed in my frustration
She just began to weep, "told me Bobby, freddy has a disease.
He's a piromaniac who lights everything on fire.. including your fathers jeep"
I sunk in my seat in disbelief, everything started to make a little sense.
From my fathers death to fredricks immediate untimely absense.
You see freddy was waiting for my father one bright afternoon
Found a pack of matches and was melting the rubber of his balloon
I guess the fire got away from him and caught onto the carpet soon
freddy ran in terror...
... my father walked to the jeep just as we heard the boom
At first i was in anger, i could't believe i was decieved.
Then i realized that my mother did it cause she loved me
She didn't want my love for my brother severed like hers was
But how am i to love someone who has already burnt our trust?