Quote:
Love.. is a voidless emotion,
Ive sat here poised and toyed with the notion
That maybe it's the thought of love..
...that's poison is potent.
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I really liked this introductory stanza. The rhymes were all in the right place, even if they weren't particularly innovative. The cadence was impossible to miss. This was a bit cliché, but that is more acceptable early in a verse.
Quote:
I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost
Tossing and turning, yet yearning for love
A church on the hill, a silloquette of doves
Ive hugged this pillow tight, thoughts of you
on a yatcht at noon. Coffee for two
En-capsulated beauty, it's essence fulfilled
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See, here the clichés started to stack up, if only because repetition/variation really needs to be around a stronger theme than "hopeless," which is a bland poetry word abused persistently. You were playing off the trite images, and the more specific and unique ones worked better. "Coffee for two" was my favorite bit from this section, even though it broke up the rhyme pattern a little.
Quote:
Crimson silk sheets meshed with a tinge of filth
Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic andthe scent of grilled onions
You said i feel something, i made a dirty joke
Then you returned with a wink & "yea, well i like to be choked"
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I didn't expect this turn. I loved "a hint of garlic and the scent of grilled onions" because it was just so fucking weird in a way. It was overtly sexually dirty. "Oh the sin was real" was a nice conversational moment before these images. The last couplet wasn't quite as strong, but this reminded me a bit of Ghostface Killah's "Wildflower."
Quote:
I hardy spoke to you before that day of enticement
I lied to you about how marriage was priceless
She thought i was a caring gentleman, ever so nice
Til i inherited trust then embarrassed her rights
A harrowing plight, decieved this angel for a piece of ass
Then casted her away like she was a piece of trash
What a brash experience. like a book keeper beating the odds
But i was delerious, in thinking how i was playing a god
To pull at ones love strings is really a shame
But hell, when it comes to love i just love playing the game.
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This definitely wasn't your strongest verse, but the finish was probably the biggest issue. This was a rather predictable and simplistic view of what happened, sparing us the details we crave while capping it off with a boring line about the title of the verse. The first couplet quoted had some potential about how little these two characters (presumably you and your ex-wife) rushed into things, but that was ditched too quickly to be developed, as was the betrayal. I wanted to know more, either more about the motivations or more about the specifics. You scraped the surface instead.
This piece began with a bang but fizzled as it went. It wasn't your strongest. Your word choice and rhyming are better suited to more straightforward storytelling, but testing out different formulas can only help.