With scarlet stabbing objects perspiring lava beads/
Close their coffins,
Restless souls disrupt the earth like erosion coughing/
And their body moldings forfeit,
Substances for my hands to rinse under cold water faucets/
^This part was sick. Liked it.
This piece was partly grimy and partially undercooked/overcooked. I can't decide if your method of penning down your thoughts is the best it can be. In its present state, your style is heavy on the details, on the telling, but you rarely ask any questions. As narrator, proposing uncertain scenarios to the reader is interesting, no?
"My body is astonishing,
The ink display turns into army fatigues and hieroglyphics/
Watching me fight at a sonic speed,
Displays a collage of green berets firing missiles/"
^Chaotic. I can't imagine why this character fighting at a sonic speed would resemble that. Maybe a backround into why would help make this a more complete bar/thought. For example, if he's fighting in the forest, that would explain the appearance of "green" berets. Or if he's fighting green berets with missile-fire at sonic speeds...this would also solve the problem.
There is a lot going on, so it's something to snack on at all times, but even then, I feel as though you are holding yourself back from covering holistic ground. Overeager in your ink spilling when you can be a chief librarian at will. You have skill. I think you also need more patience in molding these vertical pastries of action before selling them as baked goods.
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