Aesthetic: First thing I notice is the lack of commas... I think it will help your cause greatly, especially if the way you chose to write this one... I know you said fuck punctuation and grammar... but you're trying to get better at writing, and punctuation and grammar is a pretty important part of writing. It helps the reader understand what you're trying to say.
This isn't the best I've seen from you. I liked how you started off, but it slowly started unraveling for me from the third line on. I found myself having to stop and navigate some awkward phrasing and word choice in order to figure out what you mean.
Example:
Quote:
The beginning is fire but ecstatic I am extant.
For the eye of the storm is diplomatic to an extent.
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I like the idea you were trying to get across here, but that first line was very poorly constructed and ruined that moment.
That was kind of the theme for the whole verse.. I could see where you were trying to go and the cool idea behind it all, but the execution was lacking.. especially that second half. I think that's why people keep thinking you're new.. the execution here lacked refinement. I know you're capable of much better though
Vinzr: Your opening made me stop to make sure I wasn't reading Aesthetic's verse still haha..
This read real smooth, until this line below..
Quote:
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The havoc that has broken has opened a new place overlapping the old
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And then it was smooth again. That line just made me stop a moment and have to reread to make it work. You did a good job of being descriptive enough to draw the reader into the scene you were portraying, but not being so descriptive that it slowed the pace of the story down to a crawl. I wish you had worked out an ending that didn't directly use the topic though. It felt a little lazy.
Vote: Vinzr. This week, he had a much better verse all around..