Innovator. Straight forward tale, decent writing. First two lines were ill. Probably your best couplet since I first peeped you. From the first 2 bars onward it doesn't quite live up to the hype. Your transition from thought to thought needs work. Your momentum suffers because you don't have coherent transitions. They are tolerable but if you want to advance you should work on connecting your lines more with a flow, not a scheme, a flow. I didn't get any real reaction from this verse but you can obviously write. Keep at it. Some quotes.
The stench covers the room in a veil
of golden dust from rusty chains./
He leans over with a calm touch that
burns my soul and curls my veins./
Mike Wrecka. Nice verse. Couple lines didn't fit. Sometimes when you write, you might have a ill line, but you have to think, does it fit? Sometimes an ill lines a burden. Because of it's too ill and left field it actually has a reverse affect, overshadowing your rhyme, ex; nap in the grass, dracula. You got a little too lax towards the end and cut off all your momentum. You need to push through pussy a little more if you wanna break that cherry, know what im sayin? Keep at it. Some quotes
to the past present and future, navigate and maneuver,
through the time continuum, triangulate in Bermuda/
using the teachings of Buddha, say hakuda matata,
while the doomsday preppers for armada/
absorbing allotta, negative stress,
Vote: Mike Wrecka
wrote a better piece to the quote
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