Mac - your verse was kind of creative which is good, but most lines lacked something to make them memorable, such as a harsh punch or a clever wordplay. The wife and kids line was almost for the punch. I'm guessing you two know each other and he's a gamer - if so then it's good how you came personal as well. Try to rhyme more than one syllable whenever you can (without killing the wording), because it makes the reader catch the rhythm better and makes the verse come off more swagged out. Keep at it.
Bleak - opener and closer were both cool. Tbh I didn't get the references in all the bars inbetween. But it doesn't matter, you got it off the other 2 bars.
v/ Bleak
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