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e11even · 12-22-2013, 08:37 PM

I think this was an above decent piece. The wording was a little clunky in parts, but overall got a good portion of the msg through without your overuse of large words and abstract lines that sometimes distract from the accessibility of the main idea. I think the wording was more eloquently structured at the beginning, and got a lttle more fatigued and clumsy toward the end. I'm gonna read this like two more times to reinforce my impression of this drop and edit any feed changes if I realize anything worth noting. Overall good job. Just try to write a lttle cleaner and maybe experiment with stronger rhyming. With the storytelling ability it looks like you have, those two improvements would really bring each piece full circle. Keep dropping.

12-22-2013, 08:37 PM	#2
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	I think this was an above decent piece. The wording was a little clunky in parts, but overall got a good portion of the msg through without your overuse of large words and abstract lines that sometimes distract from the accessibility of the main idea. I think the wording was more eloquently structured at the beginning, and got a lttle more fatigued and clumsy toward the end. I'm gonna read this like two more times to reinforce my impression of this drop and edit any feed changes if I realize anything worth noting. Overall good job. Just try to write a lttle cleaner and maybe experiment with stronger rhyming. With the storytelling ability it looks like you have, those two improvements would really bring each piece full circle. Keep dropping. __________________ Ahem.