Some aspects for PancakeBrah: good characterization things like calling the character just 'the Chairman.' and giving the main character the name David was a nice touch too. Good effort to focus on small details giving an insight into the characters thought process. It's very grounded, often we think about the most inconsequential, insignificant stuff at odd times and you captured that well. "David doesn’t know gossamer from satin. Is gossamer satin?
Lost in the patterns. Aloft, drinking coffee with her is Latin. Innate." Too many references to Gossamer, I read this word Gossamer a lot, you should diversify into different fabrics.
For Mr. J: Good conceptual approach with a lot of potential but perhaps you didn't clarify the different aspects enough to make anything stand out. E.g., I enjoy this part "pushed beyond the parallels of the rest. Made wine of water
and supplied my father. living with a heightened mantra" - perhaps focused on the possible religious iconography of the image, comparing the outstretched arms to the christian crucifixion and cross. It had good potential but I think some parts wandered too far, needed to be more focused, every line contributing more to a clearer main theme. Close one, voted for Pan***keBrah.
|