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Ink · 03-02-2013, 08:09 PM

this verse felt pretty lacking in depth and the rhymes weren't exactly exciting..
You presented us with your character and his position.. and then all of a sudden, a few years forward, everything is fixed, his mom died, and everything is back where it was. It read like a fast-forwarded version of a longer, more detailed, piece.. I didn't feel any connection to the character, because there wasn't much to draw us into your story..

I think if you spent more time developing the story more, this would be pretty solid.

03-02-2013, 08:09 PM	#6
Ink Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 329 Battle Record: 5-5 Rep Power: 60	this verse felt pretty lacking in depth and the rhymes weren't exactly exciting.. You presented us with your character and his position.. and then all of a sudden, a few years forward, everything is fixed, his mom died, and everything is back where it was. It read like a fast-forwarded version of a longer, more detailed, piece.. I didn't feel any connection to the character, because there wasn't much to draw us into your story.. I think if you spent more time developing the story more, this would be pretty solid.